We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
