i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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