wanna go halves on a baby?
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
