I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Randomize
