I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
