Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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