I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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