Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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