I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Randomize
