$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
