So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
