That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
