Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
