I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Randomize
