Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
