I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon