Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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