I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
