I skipped work to stalk him.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
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Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
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Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
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