The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
