Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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