Please, let me fuck your mom
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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