hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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