There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Randomize
