So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
