Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Randomize
