wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
