All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I think a kid would responsible me up
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
