We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I think people are normalizing furries
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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