i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
