I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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