you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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