They should really pass out barf bags in church
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
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