why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Dicks are not precious.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
