I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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