Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
