I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
