Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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