Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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