Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
