I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
