Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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