So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
