he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
