Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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