Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Randomize
