my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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