I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I said "one day" and that day is not today
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