I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
