Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
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my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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