i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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