It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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