I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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