So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Randomize
