So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
