he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I feel great
I just peed on a car
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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