I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I'm getting married
To pizza
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
