I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
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